Suspicious Behaviour

Many of my innumerable Asian friends have been after me to warn other Asians how to behave on board a flight, especially after the humiliation of twelve Indians suffered in Holland when their seemingly suspicious behaviour after take off made the Netharlands send the prestigious F-16’s to escort the North West Airlines flight back to the airport.

Here are some simple guide lines you could follow to escape being handcuffed, imprisoned and treated as a terrorist.

First of all never smile at the air-hostess when you enter an aicraft! I do agree she smiles at you but don’t for heaven’s (or hell’s) sake ever return the smile, don’t even say thank you. If she helps you put your luggage on the rack, pretend she doesn’t exist! If you do otherwise, the captain will be told about your strange ways and you may end smiling your way to a lock up shared with Bubba!

From this you may gather that smiles are not allowed on board; most often you may be happygoing back to your families you haven’t seen for months, or even years, but never allow a trace of joy to show; these people have been trained to believe that signs of happiness are signs of a radical fanatic displays before setting off a bomb!

After being seated order a cocktail! You don’t drink? Sorry my friend when in the sky do what frequent fliers do! Don’t order a soft drink and never ask for water! Most flight stewards don’t know what water is and may alert security and the nearest airport if you ask for the same. (On a different note last week I spilled my drink accidentally and the steward asked me - “Sir if you do not drink why did you act like you consume alcohol?”; I had to literally reorder a drink and consume it in front of him to make him believe I do drink). Even if you have to pour your drink onto your neighbour, do so, but see you have a cocktail in your hand!

A cocktail seen in your hand and of course a book on your lap! You will notice most fellow non-Asian types have a book lying open, never mind the pages aren’t turned from Dubai to London, but an open book puts you above suspicion; it makes you look educated. For God’s sake don’t hold the book upside down as Bush frequently does in his many classroom lectures; some fellow passenger may notice the turned around book and report you for suspicious behaviour! Telling security later that Bush does the same thing may not get you off the hook.

With these few suggestions I wish all you passengers a happy and safe journey, and if you still want to reach safely without landing up in strange four by four cell in a strange country then here’s a last suggestion: Apply white paint on yourself before a flight; with that on you, you don’t need to practise the other points I have just suggested.

White paint works wonders and will ensure you are above any sort of suspicion!

All the best my fellow Asians in your travels around a troubled world…